Shorts
by Alexandra The Not-So-Great
Summary: A collection of random, unrelated one-shots. UPDATE! Chapter Three; An alternate, slightly disturbing, explanation of why Ed hates milk. Chapter Four; Once there was a boy who knocked upon the Gate... WARNING:Sick humor!
1. The REAL Reason Edward Elric Hates Milk

Author's Note: This is just a collection of random one-shots. If anyone on this entire Earth gets a good laugh out of any of this, that's more than enough for me. I have read numerous stories about this concept so I thought I would do my own version. Without further ado, enjoy!

_The REAL Reason Edward Elric Hates Milk_

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…Edward Elric sat staring at his glass of milk. 'Well, mom drank it and she's still alive, so I guess it can't be that bad…even though it does come out of a cow' Ed thought. So he picked up the glass, and (gathering up all his courage) placed it to his lips. Slowly he tilted the glass up, when right before the milk reached him, he heard a voice: "Hey! What're you doing?-You can't drink me!"

Surprised, Ed opened his eyes to be greeted by the sight of a black-haired figure no more than two inches tall clinging to the inside of the milk glass (the poor thing was almost completely drowned in milk). He sat the milk back on the table, unable to get his mind around a thought that he had narrowly missed digesting this miniature person all because the evils of milk.

"Who…what are you?" asked Ed. The mini-person, standing on the milk glass' rim, wrung out his blue military uniform calmly then said, "My name is Roy Mustang. And I, am a faerie." There was a moment of silence as Edward stared in awe at Mustang, but it was cut short by an outburst of laughter from the larger of the two. "We faeries have wicked powers; if you make us mad, we can do all kinds of evil things to you" said Mustang, trying his best to look somewhat sinister. "Aww, but you're such a *cute* little guy. Tell ya what, why don't you run on home to mommy before someone accidentally eats you." Mustang fumed at this comment, "How dare you call me 'cute'!" he put on his 'fire-making gloves', "Behold! The wrath of a faerie!; I curse you to be short for the rest of your life and no matter where you go, people will make fun of your shortness—FOREVER!" The faerie glared at Ed then snapped his fingers: creating a spark and setting Ed's hair on fire. Satisfied with the shocked look on his victims' face, Mustang nodded, snapped his fingers again, and disappeared in a small cloud of smoke.

Moral of the story: Beware of milk … and Mustang faeries.


	2. Hydrogen

Author's Note: _ObliviousToMemories_; That's great! I'm glad you got a good laugh out of it, and thank you for the review :)

Regarding the current one-shot, when I was in high school General Chemistry I used to wonder, 'If I were an element, what element would I be?' So I thought about it and came up with chlorine as my representative element, sodium as the element for my best friend, and hydorgen for Edward Elric, which led to the following poem. Although it's not really funny, please enjoy it nonetheless.

_Hydrogen_

Smallest of all the elements

and commonly made fun of because so.

Always ridiculed or underestimated;

rarely ever taken seriously.

One day it became too much

so he gave the world an ultimatum:

"Short stack, midget, half-pint, shrimp,

I'm so sick of all of this.

The world will learn to fear me.

The world will give me respect.

I'll do something

that the whole world it will affect."

He snickered wickedly to himself

Then made his announcement 'cross the land;

"People of earth,

O ye of little faith,

Have you no honor?

Have you no disdain?

…To show you how serious I am,

unless you give me the respect I deserve,

I'm going to blow up the sun.

You have seven days."

But the people of Earth,

in their puny minds,

did not understand

his sentient – being rhymes.

So with the passing of the last day

and eating of the last meal,

Hydrogen sought out

to make complete his deal.

The sun afire he did set

as he cackled wickedly to himself,

"Mwahaha you imbeciles, you deserved what you get!"

And then the sun 'xplode.

End


	3. An Alternate Explanation

Author's Note: Hello again! This one-shot uses the same basic idea as in chapter 1 (as though you didn't already know) but goes about it in a different way, ...and I included Alfons Heiderich from the first FMA movie. There's just something about his character, and I dunno why, but it made me want to squeeze him into one of my fanfics. As always, enjoy :)

_An Alternate Explanation of Why Edward Elric Hates Milk_

Sitting at the table like this, all four of them – Edward, Alphonse, Heiderich, and Winry – felt good. After having been gone for 2 years Edward was finally able to return home, and he brought a new friend along with him… or perhaps 'was forced to bring along' would be more accurate since Heiderich absolutely refused to be left behind. There they sat eating lunch sandwiches and drinking milk, that is, all except Edward. "You never drink your milk, Edward, but it's not as though it's poisoned," Alfons Heiderich chided. "I hate milk, it's disgusting!" Edward shot back. Winry giggled, "He won't drink milk, even for us." With a serious look on his face Alphonse asked, "Brother, why is it that you won't drink milk?" Without even thinking Edward started, "It reminds me of –" and broke off as he realized his error. "Brother, you've never told me. What does it remind you of?" Edward hesitated, his younger brother's face was innocent—far too innocent to know of life's harsh truths—and yet he had to learn sometime. He sighed, "It reminds me of something that happened when I was four." The three listened intently.

'Momma, can I play outside?' 'Of course, Edward. Don't stay outside too long or you'll miss lunch!' He smiled giddily and ran out the front door the same. 'He was in such a hurry he forgot to shut the door' Trisha sighed to herself, put down the potato she had been washing, walked to the front door, shut it, and returned to her station at the kitchen sink washing potatoes, a 3 year-old Alphonse clutching the hem of her dress all-the-while—never leaving her side.

Outside the other 4 year-olds waved to Ed signaling him to come play, but he found them to be dull. Near one of the neighbor's cow pastures he spotted a group of five older children—perhaps a year or two older than himself—playing a game of knee-ball*; to him this was far more interesting. He walked up to them standing slightly outside their circle then asked, 'That looks neat. Can I play?' They ignored him. The only girl among the group kicked the ball at him – he grabbed it easily (not that she had kicked very hard) and asked again, 'Can I play?' The five glanced at each other then one who seemed to be the leader said, 'Sure you can play. But you can't use your hands, you have to hit it with your legs.' Edward was so happy he was getting to play a new game that he didn't notice the grin their leader flashed or the other members' grins, snickers, and giggles.

They played hard; deliberately kicking the ball past him, making him go out of his way to kick it back, running him in circles. Before long he was worn ragged. Down on the spot he went. 'Ah…so…thirsty' he panted between breaths. 'Don't worry,' their leader said, 'we'll get you something real nice to drink. Just wait right here.' He hung on each word, savoring it, and when he had finished talking, he grinned at the girl and one of the boys who then walked with him across the cow pasture leaving the two other boys to watch Edward. After he caught his breath he looked up. 'Uh, they didn't look like they were heading to any house,' remarked Ed. One of the boys nervously laughed, glanced over his shoulder at the pasture and replied, 'They're just, uh, takin' a short-cut. Yeah.' 'Oh.'

By the time Edward's stomach started to rumble, they returned. The boy (that wasn't the leader) held a glass barely a quarter full with some of the contents dripping down the outside; there was grass on his overalls and dirt on his cheek that hadn't been there before. 'We got you some nice, warm, milk,' the girl said. 'Fresh from a cow? !' Ed asked, surprised, as he took the glass. 'Oh, it's fresh alright,' mumbled the boy who had handed him the glass, barely suppressing laughter. 'Wow! You guys didn't have to do that for me,' exclaimed Ed. 'Oh, but we did,' their leader said, 'Drink up.' And so he did. He took the first sip then drew back, 'Ew, this milk tastes weird.' But he was thirsty, and they were all staring at him waiting for him to finish. The rest of it he quickly gulped down. There was a moment of silence. Then: 'He drank it. He actually drank all of it.' Suddenly all five of the older children burst out into wild laughter. Edward just stood there perplexed. 'That wasn't cow milk, it was bull-milk! I can't believe you drank it, what an idiot!' their leader cackled. Their laughter, like hyenas, drowned out the world.

"Mein Gott im Himmel!" Heiderich exclaimed. Winry asked, "Did you throw up?" "Of course I threw-up. Ever since then milk tastes exactly the same as bull semen." Edward bitterly scoffed. Alphonse asked the most important question of all: "Why would they do that?" And then Edward spoke one of the harshest truths life has to offer: "Because children are evil."

* * *

* In case anyone is confused, knee-ball is a very basic version of children's soccer with no goals and no scoring system. Not that it's that important…


	4. It'll cost you an arm and a leg

Author's Note: I got the idea for this one from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so yeah... sick humor ahead!

"_It'll cost you an arm and a leg."_

Once there was a boy who knocked upon the Gate…

"Oh all-knowing Gate, tell me, what is THE answer?" he asked. In response to his request there came a voice, ominous, as though two inhuman persons were speaking at the same time, and it said, "THE answer? The answer to what?"

"The answer to life, the universe, and everything!" the boy replied.

"The fee for this knowledge is your leg. Is that acceptable?" the voice asked.

"Yes! Take it!" The boy replied. There appeared behind him a being known as 'Truth', also known as the 'universe', or 'God', or 'knowledge', or 'one' or 'all', and most importantly, it is as 'you'. Truth stepped forward, and as its foot hit the floor the boy's leg disintegrated from the knee down and reintegrated where Truth's leg should have been.

The boy fell to the floor grasping his stump in pain, breathing heavily but gritting his teeth. "So? What's the answer?" he asked, trying to keep the pain out of his voice. "The answer…to life, the universe, and everything, is … 42," the ominous voice replied.

The boy stared at the Gate in disbelief for a few seconds before he shouted, "What kind of answer is that? I want a refund!"

"It is THE answer. I think the problem, to be quite honest, is that you don't actually know what the question _is_," the voice said. "Then what _is_ the question?" he asked in an agitated voice.

The ominous voice once more replied, to which the boy cursed under his breath: "It'll cost you an arm." "Damn."


End file.
